Most families that I know don’t really want to have a conversation about estate planning, or death, or dying, or any of those unpleasant subjects.  And, most families that I know don’t want to have a conversation about family finances and the family financial situation.  I have found this to be especially true of older parents or grandparents.  My grandparents were children during the Great Depression and have many stories of how they survived during the Great Depression.  My great grandfather and uncles all worked in the coal mines and were fully immersed in grinding poverty.  Only because my grandfather got sent to live with relatives who had a farm during the summers did he survive.  When he lived on the farm during the summers, he could eat fresh vegetables that they grew, have milk and meat from the animals, and build up his body to have enough strength to survive the fall, winter, and spring with his own family.  Having lived through that experience, he did not want to discuss money or the family financial situation in any sort of detail.  If the subject ever came up, he brushed it off by saying something like “We’re fine.  We don’t need to talk about that.”

But, you do need to talk about it!  I am not saying that the conversation needs to be the first thing you bring up at Thanksgiving dinner this year, but you do want to have a family conversation about estate planning.  In my family, I actually did get my parents to sign their estate planning documents between Thanksgiving dinner and Thanksgiving dessert – yummy pies – one day many years ago, but I don’t recommend that strategy.  I don’t want you to ruin Thanksgiving dinner by bringing up estate planning!  I got away with it, but I don’t know that you would, so please don’t follow my example on the Thanksgiving dinner conversation.  I have previously written a blog to help kids know how to talk to parents concerning estate planning and also a blog concerning how to have parents talk to their children about estate planning, but this is a bit different of an approach.  I am encouraging you to talk to your family about estate planning and family finances, and letting you know that even though it may be awkward, once you get started, the worst part is over!

 

Just Start the Conversation Any Way You Can

You don’t need to walk up to your parents and say “We need to talk about estate planning and you need to tell me about your finances!”  That would probably shut down the conversation and end the conversation before it even began.  You don’t want to go head first into a conversation that you know will be shut down without any sort of progress.  You don’t want to crash straight into the defences your family has set up to not discuss death or family finances and estate planning.

Instead, you want to start the conversation from a different place and a different approach.  You can try something like, “I was reading a blog the other day about estate planning, and I realized I don’t know anything about what you have in place.  Can you tell me what you have?”  At that point, I am relatively certain that a lot of parents who have estate plans would say they have it in place and that it is all taken care of, so there is no need to worry about it.  I would encourage you to press a bit further, asking if you are supposed to be in charge and expressing that you would like to know what the estate plan says before you are supposed to carry out plans you have never seen.  Hopefully your parents will see that you are trying to help and be prepared when they are gone, and that you are just trying to be ready for the time that your parents are gone so you can help carry out their wishes.

On the flip side, parents could bring up a friend who passed away, and either discuss how things went smoothly because the deceased friend had everything in place, or talk about what a terrible situation the deceased friend’s family found themselves in because an estate plan was not set up.  Parents could then tell their children they don’t want to leave a mess for the children, so they should discuss an estate plan together.

 

You Don’t Need to Find the Perfect Time to Start a Conversation

Basically, you don’t need to jump straight into a conversation where people will instantly put up defenses.  By using someone else’s situation, you can compare that situation to your own.  Or, you can contact the situation you observed with what you want to have happen.  In either case, you can take a conversation started with what you read or heard about someone else and turn it into a conversation about you and your own family.

These types of conversations don’t need to start out formally.  I talked to my parents about estate planning while we were watching a volleyball game that my daughter was playing in a few years ago.

You could have the conversation at the dinner table, or while you are watching a sporting event together over a holiday.  Or, you could just have the conversation without any other occasion.  The key is just to start the conversation and let it lead to finding out the family has a good estate plan that will work, or start the process to get a good estate plan set up.  If you would like to start the conversation with an estate planning attorney to move the process along, you can make an appointment by clicking the button below.